withdrawal symptoms

I am neurotic by nature. I am anxious from time to time until you came.
You are like my personal therapist. My remedy, my antipsychotic drug. You keep me sane. Ever since talking to you I feel like I become healthier. For that I am thankful.

I'm missing you. You're too busy now and I don't have the right to demand for your time. So right now, I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms.

Give Love

I wanna give love... I wanna feel it... I want to be it.

The last time I was in a relationship was when I was in my junior year, so that's been like 6 years or so? I'm not even sure if it was love? Perhaps, it wasn't love. I must admit that it changed me, it ended pretty badly so it definitely has a huge effect on my esteem back then.

But now, after more than 6 years of loving myself... After more than 6 years of being confined with my world... Knowing myself... Reflecting about life and stuff. I think I have so much to give now. I'm longing for it. I want to express the love that I have. To whom should I share it though? To everyone?

I like you.

I like you, not romantically though. I like you, but no I don't have a crush on you. I just like you. I can tell you some reason why I like you but it still won't grasp how much I like you. I like you not unlike the like I have for a crush nor its something romantic.

I don't know who you are but I do know you. I know, it doesn't make sense but so is what we have (do we even have something?). What we have is something like a friendship yet unsure. It is personal yet not intimate.

With you, I know everything will eventually ends and you're probably aware of that as well. Someday one of us will fade away, or maybe both of us will drift away... But I can't call you "the one that got away" because you're the one who will eventually leave, and it will be mutual. We are like two souls who are lost and helping each other.

You are the Old Soul who thinks his dying but just afraid to have the light, I am this younger soul who has a light... A dim light though.

Everything happens for a reason. We met for a reason. We won't know that reason yet... Not yet... I am not ready to know yet because I still need you.

AWKWARD.

It's awkward when people asks me if I have a boyfriend, if I'm seeing someone, and if someone is courting me. So this is how it always goes:

First, someone will asks me if I have a boyfriend and since I don't have one, of course I have answer "NO".
Then they'll asked me if I'm seeing someone and obviously "none" so I say "no".
Then they'll asked me if someone is courting me... AND THAT was AWKWARD, because NO ONE is actually courting me. It's quite embarrassing to admit it. First because it's like admitting that no one is interested on  me. Second, is that I feel so ugly so that made me think maybe that's the reason why no one is actually courting me.
Then after that some will suddenly asks "WHY?" and I was like.... Okay, how should I answer that? I mean, no one is courting me and that's it! How should I freakin know the reason? I don't even know why?! I know I become ugly. Most of my high school friends were even surprise when they saw me. I gained a lot of weight (though I am not yet obese - my BMI is still normal), and I have pimples (mostly are acne marks which sucks!). I wear huge glasses. Of course, they don't have the guts to actually say that I become so ugly, but most of the are like "Oh my gosh! What happened to you? I saw your sister and she's prettier!" and I was like "yea, I'm pretty stressed out with a lot of things." and blah bl;ah. Fucked off. I am not that stressed in school, I am stressed because I feel so ugly. But since, I am freakin aware about how ugly I become, and I pretty much accept that fact so I just go with flow and pretend that it didn't hurt.

but come to think of it... It's not like I'm the ugliest person in the world? I see girls who are not that pretty but still has a boyfriend or if not she has someone who's courting her. So I was thinking that maybe I am not that ugly. After all, every once in a while some dude will show their interest. But since I am so picky, I didn't count them - I didn't mind them at all. I know I shouldn't be so choosy since I am not "pretty" anymore, but still I can't get off with my standards! Well, I do have a high standards.

A while ago, I realized that I become to stiff. Like, I built this tough looking walls and everyone seems to be afraid to break that wall. They didn't realize that behind that wall was the "vulnerable" me - that it was actually not that tough at it seems. Like, everyone was seems to be afraid of me. I feel like they're all thinking that I'm this snobbish geek chick. Okay, I am snob but not to that the point where I ignore everyone. I may appear to be quite timid at first (since I'm an introvert) but once you get to know me and I feel comfortable with you... I am this fun chick.

When I was in high school, I have a lot of guy friends but when I got to college my "MALE" friends actually drops to zero. Most of my friends, are females and gays. Suddenly, I don't know how to talk to dudes. I used to be one of the boys, then suddenly I become out of reach. Like, I don't even know how to approach my male friends in high school. I feel so awkward! Maybe because I don't feel comfortable with myself?


I just wished that those guys who showed interest on me, didn't give up that easily. They should have tried harder. I mean, I am an inch close in actually being comfortable with them and then they suddenly give up! So it always feel like its a waste. I wished they have this guts to actually go for it. But anyways, maybe they don't deserve me and they I don't deserve them? I just wish that someday, some dude will actually make an effort to break in to that wall

That Winter, The Wind Blows

That Winter, The Wind Blows, is a korean drama starring Zo In-sung (Jo In-sung) and Song Hye Kyo, which are by the way my favorite Korean actor!

It's a romantic melodrama about a man Oh Song (Zo In-sung) and a blind woman Oh Young (Song Hye Kyo) who don’t believe in love. Oh Soo is an orphan who is left heartbroken later in life after his first love passes away and comes to lead a goal-less life as a high stakes gambler. Oh Young is a lonely heiress who feels she must look after others and herself after her parents get divorced and she finds herself becoming visually impaired. The two will come to find the true meaning of love after meeting each other.

I do understand the cheating part but not the I'm "still" staying part

I am not fan of cheating. I hate it and I don't want it.

I understand the concept of cheating, I really do.

I think it's the temptation that excites us. It's the feeling of defying the rules.

It's the thrill of having this attraction for someone and the fact that your not allowed because your in a relationship. The concept of "not right" makes it more in tense and exciting for others. People do things that are against the rule because they think it's fun. Anything that is "not allowed" and doing that seems so fun.

It's pathetic but it's true.

Some cheat because they got fed up with their relationship. And or that they felt more attraction to the other party. I totally get the point of why people cheat... It's because they are not satisfied.

But I don't see the whole point of staying? Why stay if you're not satisfied? It may sound like I am also questioning why cheat if you can just leave? Maybe what I really get was the one time cheating but not the continuous cheating.

I think those who constantly cheats (which means they're still staying with their original/legal lover) are cowards, weak and insecure. Cheating doesn't make you a man, it makes you less than a man - it makes you a boy - a jerk. For woman, cheating doesn't make you beautiful or the hot gorgeous chick - it makes you a selfish bitch.

I don't get it why you stay in a relationship that doesn't satisfy you? Oh! Maybe because you can't be satisfied with "one" relationship which makes you psychologically unhealthy.

I don't get it why you still accept the person who constantly cheats? Why? WHY?

Okay, maybe it's because you love that person but does that person truly loves you? Once is enough, but twice is way too much. I can forgive the one time cheat but not the continuous one - not the over and over again.

For those martyr out there, wake up! No one deserve to be treated like that. You must accept the love that you think you deserve! And don't tell me that you deserve less. You don't - we don't. As long as we know how to love, we deserve to be loved.

I want to believe in love

I want to believe in fairy tales. It's ironic that it took me a long time to actually want to believe in.
When I was young, I hate fairy tales. I love watching cartoons before so of course I do watched those things, but never once occur to me about those happy ever after. Those forever love... those happy ending with your prince charming. I never really thought about those things. I never even actually think about me settling down with a man have kids with him and have a happy ending.

I never believed in those things. I never believe that there's a loyal person out there. I never believed that there's a man out there who wont cheat. My father is a cheater so you can't blame me with that. I never met someone who's you know happily married and doesn't have a history of cheating it's either by their husband or her. Though, of course they are all married because there's no divorce here!

It's funny really how can the Fifty Shades Trilogy makes me wanna believe in happily ever after. That love is possible. That there's this one guy - your soul mate that won't cheat on you. After reading Fifty Shades I've been reading a lot of romance novel and again they makes me wanna believe that it is possible.

Now, I want to believe. I want to hope. Maybe I'll take risk with that... Maybe it's worth a try. Maybe just maybe... I want ti believe that there's someone out there! That there's someone that God made just to be with me. I want to believe in that...

I don't know when will I find that person. I don't know when will God let us meet. But I am willing to wait... I want to believe... And maybe someday I'll just say I just don't believe in that... I want to say that I know...