I guessed I want love

Just a quick break from all the story. Actually I've been thinking if I should continue blogging my crappy story. This past few weeks I've been lost in words. It seemed that I lack creativity or I had too much creativity. I am confused on what to write and what feelings to write. Right now I am obsessed to have my very own Christian Grey, Gideon Cross, Gabriel Emerson and all the other characters in an erotic dreamy novel. I am obsessed to have my own prince charming which I don't actually believe and want not until I read all those novels.

So I'm 19, and everyone around me has been bugging to have a boyfriend and they keep asking me if I'm dating one and some insist that I'm a homo since I am not expressive enough to share my love interest. The thing is I shut down myself from love 4 years ago. I was lost when I broke up with my first boyfriend. I isolated myself. I was lost and broke not because I we broke up, I was broken and lost because my self-esteem actually drops. I always felt ugly, I used to hate everything about me. My looks, my scent, my everything. I didn't really appreciate myself. And that was the main reason why we broke up, and nobody except me knows the reason - even my best friends doesn't know about that. That I was insecure that's why I broke up with him. That I feel ashamed of myself.

It was hard moving on when your self-esteem was the main reason you can't move forward. Everyone thought that I am still in love with him. That I still can't move on from him. The truth is I move on the first time he broke up with me. But then we get back together just to give it a one last time, for one month we dated again but I was not happy so I broke up with him. I broke up because I feel ashamed of myself. I always felt ugly and being with him makes me feel a lot worst. So I did shut down myself from everything. I pretend that I didn't care - I pretend not to care. I tried not to think about love, I shut down myself from imagining love, for 4 years I did that. I tried not to look for love nor to show interest on it. Maybe that's the reason why some of my college friends thinks that I'm a homosexual. I restrain myself from expressing my interest in guys - hot guys. I pretend not to drool when I see a hot guy, I acted normal in front of gorgeous man but deep inside I know I want to chat with them.

Over the past years I started to have the ideal vision of what is love or how love is supposed to be. I gain knowledge not by experience, I gain knowledge by books and well movies. And I think I become wise, a lot wiser than to those who actually been in different relationship. Most of my friends love life is not something that you can be envious of that's why I didn't really crave for love. That's why I choose to wait for love. I choose to wait for the right one, the one that I could give myself into.

To be honest I am afraid of myself. Afraid to be trap in my ideal world at the same time afraid to fall easily to the reality. I'm constant battle between what I really want and what reality can only give me. I create this dreamy world, a fairy tale world that I used to hate. I don't believe in fairy tales but after reading some novel full of love I realized what's missing in my life. I miss love, or rather I want to feel what love really is. My first boyfriend isn't my first love, I don't consider it love. It was an experimentation. I thought I was in love with him, though I must say I didn't regret dating him because I learn a lot from it.

I want to know what love is though I have my concept of what is love supposed to be, I still want to experience it. For me love is a wonderful feeling, it's a wonderful thing. Wonderful in the sense that it's right and can never go wrong. You could also say that "love means you never have to say sorry". For me love is not a sacrifice since it's a wonderful thing. In short love fro me makes you feel wonderful. I actually forgot my concrete concept since I didn't actually experience that. But I want to feel that, I want to prove my own concept of love. I want love, though I'm not sure if I'm ready for it now. I in the process of being ready. I want to find love when I am confident enough to face it, I want to have it when I got my self-esteem back. When I don't hide my face in my beautiful long hair anymore. But there's also a part of me longing for someone who can make me feel beautiful. Though, I still want to feel complete on my own.

I'm turning 20 soon and I feel quite old and slow. Everyone around me seems to be on the fast pace. Though, I choose to take everything slow. There's a part of me that is afraid that I'm being too slow.

Hmmm. Maybe, thinking, imagining things that is not happening yet, imagining the future you want can make you feel old and slow. I just realized that 3 seconds ago...

That's it for now. I know I should put this on my other blog the lostinthemeadow.blogspot.com since this blog is supposed to be for my make up story alone but since it's about love I choose to put it here.

Chapter 1

It's a cold Sunday morning at Boston. Dr. Charles asked Ava to go to his clinic because he needed her help to fixed some files since one of his secretaries resign and it seems that she stole some psychological test and some files are missing.

She attended one of Dr. Charles seminar at Harvard last year, he was impressed by her dedication in psychology so he offered her to work for him. She handle some of Dr. Charles clients, and since she's a licensed psychometrician Dr. Charles allowed her to administer test to his clients. Dr. Charles has been always generous in his knowledge that's why even though it's sunday, Ava agreed to work for him since it's also important.

It's 8am when she got into the clinic, Dr. Charles clinic actually doesn't look liked a clinic, it feels more like a home. There's a loving room where patients wait for their turn, a kitchen for the employees and the therapy or counseling room.

Ava decided to drink hot chocolate milk since it's cold. She was sitting in a couch in the living room relaxing while waiting for Dr. Charles instruction.

She heard the front door open. She wonder if it's Dr. Charles - Dr. Charles doesn't really work in Sunday's for him it's a family day. Even Dr. Ana Sy, Dr. Raymond Owens doesn't work in Sunday. That's their clinic policy.

She fall asleep in the couch.

A man suddenly walked into the room, he saw Ava sleeping. He didn't bother to wake her up since she sound asleep. He was waiting for her to wake up. He was just staring at her. He was a special client of Dr. Charles, he's appointment are usually late at night.

She must be his secretary.

He's perfectly aware that there's no clinic at sunday's. So he was wondering what she's doing there? He have an emergency appointment to Dr. Charles. Actually he just drive as fast as he could to get in the clinic.

Ava was wearing a hoodie, denim pans and a converse. She wasn't expecting any client since it's sunday. She knew that she'll be just sorting and look for some files.

She could that someone was staring at her. As she open her eyes, she saw a man sitting in the couch in front of her. The man was wearing a white v-neck shirt and denim pans. She couldn't really see his face clearly since she's not wearing her eye glasses.

"Sorry sir, but we don't have clinic every sunday" Ava was surprised and somewhat get nervous since she didn't know how he got in. She was cautions to her actions.

"I know. I already contacted Dr. Charles, he said to meet him at his office" His voice was firm but soft.

Don't be nervous. Don't runaway. He was worried that Ava might freaked out.

 "The door was open so I thought he was already here so I let myself in" He added. He could feel that Ava was nervous though Ava was trying not to look like one.

"Ah. that explains." Ava was relieved. Damn. How could I forgot to lock it - again!

The man smiled, it was soft and sweet. But Ava couldn't see it.

"You shouldn't left the door unlocked someone might just get in - it's dangerous" he said with a calm and sweet voice.

"I thought I locked it" Ava rubbed her eye and get her glassed.

So she's wearing an eye glasses?

Ava tried not to drool into he's hotness, he never seen as guy who's as hot and as good looking as the man seating in front of her.

She gulp.

"Your name sir?" Ava asked as she stand.

"Liam Thomson"

"Mr. Thomson, would you like anything to drink?"

"No thanks"

Ava looked at her clock and it's 9:30.

Shit I slept for an hour. How long has he been here?

"How long have you been waiting for Dr.Charles? About an hour? I got here at 8:40?"

And he's been watching me sleep? Oh my gosh! I hope I didn't do anything embarrassing!

She looked embarrassed, and Liam noticed that. He chuckle. Ava ignored it, she's hungry. She received a text msg form Dr. Charles stating that there will be a client who will be waiting for him but he's going to be late since his wife won't let him go.

"Have you eaten?" As she walked inside the dining table.

"Yes" He lied. But Ava can tell, if he have time to eat then why not change clothes?

Liar. I bet he came here running.

Her eyes narrowed as she asked "When?"

"When what?" I couldn't remember.

"When was the last time you ate? Have you eaten breakfast yet?" Ava tone raised.

No one have ever talked to him like that, well except his parents.

"Last night?" He frowned. He doesn't know why she have to asked that.

"You're not sure?"

Liam didn't answer.

"What do want to eat? Um. I don't eat pork so pork is an exception."

"I'm not really hungry"
Ava ignored his answer.
"Are you fine with pan cakes?"
"I said I'm not.." Before Liam can continue, Ava walked inside the kitchen.

Now she's getting annoying.

After 15 minutes breakfast is ready.

Though Ava doesn't like cooking pork, she cooked bacon for him since she's worried that Liam is starving himself. She also toasted some bread for him.

"Let's eat" Ava said as she put the food in the dining table.

Liam frowned and ignore her.

"I said let's eat, don't waste it. Besides Dr. Charles will be here at 11 so that will took a while."

Liam ignored her. He was just scrolling down at his cell phone. He realize that she wasn't eating - that she's waiting for him.

So persistent. Liam is pissed, he can't believe that a girl who he didn't even know her name is controlling him.

Finally, Liam sat in the dining chair.

Ava smiled. Yes. I won. She thought. She wasn't really going to wait for him, she just wanna know if he's difficult to handle or what.

Oh. Don't use that smile at me. Ava smile is breathtaking. It was pure, it was sincere.

They started eating. Liam noticed the bacon.

"I thought you don't eat pork?"

"It's for you" Ava ate her pancake.

"You don't have too.."

"You're not sure when was the last time you ate, I assume your starving yourself to death.
Don't do that." She looked at him in the eye. he could feel her sincerity.

"Thanks" He really appreciate it. He could feel her sincerity. No one have ever treated him like that before.

Ava smiled back. Liam smile is warming that makes Ava feel more relaxed.

While eating he saw Ava hands, it was kinda swollen it has red spots. It looks knew, he didn't see that when was staring her while she's sleeping though it was because he was looking at her face.

Did she get that from frying the bacon???! Did she just get burned just to cooked it for me??

"How did you get that??" Liam asked, he's voice is deep and sound annoyed. He pointed out her skin rash at her hands.

Ava tried to hide it with her long sleeve, but Liam grab her arm.

It was a shocked for her.

"ouch" Liam examined her skin rash.

"You shouldn't have cooked it!" Liam exclaimed.

Ava is trying to let go from his grasp but Liam won't let her.

"It's just a burn, it will be fine I put some ice a while ago"

"Just a burn? It might even go worse!"

"Don't shout at me!" Ava hated people who shouted at her. It's not because it makes her afraid it's more on she feels irritated.

"I'm sorry." He said in a soft voice. "Let me see it first." he examined it.

"Do you have any ointment for this?"

"I should have put it if there's any." Ava was still pissed to him.

"I'll buy one, wait for me" He stand up but Ava grabbed his hand.

"Eat first. You're not going anywhere without finishing your food."

"I'll finish it after I bought one"

"No. I'll buy it. Stay here and just eat." Ava walked and grab her bag but even before she could get close to the door Liam grab her arm and stopped her.

"Fine, I'll eat first. Just stay here."

Is she always like this? Making people around her mad?? Controlling people?

Ava is not really controlling, she just always stand up on her own. She hates being under control. Liam used to having all the control.

Ava put her down bag and goes back to the dining area and continue eating.

Liam texted someone.

***

Someone delivered the ointment. Liam tried to put the ointment but she resisted.

"I can do it." Ava said, walking away from him.

He didn't argue. "I'm sorry I shouted on you, I didn't mean that."

"It seems that your used to shouting at people" Ava was hurt. She feel anxious when someone shouts at her.

Liam walked close to Ava and touch her long hair and put it behind her ears.

She back off. It was too close. It feels intimate, and anything that is intimate intimidated her. She hates sweetness, sweetness for her represents lie.

"I'm sorry" Liam said, his eyes are worried.

Ava could feel his sincerity.

"It's okay."

***

When Dr. Charles arrive he asked Ava to file sort some file then after that she goes to Dr. Charles attorney for the complaint  of Dr. Charles to her previous secretary.

Ava and Liam didn't have the time to say goodbye at each other. Liam was still talking to Dr.Charles when Ava leave.

The continuation... Meeting her bestfriend

They waited until both the wrestler looking guy and her bitch blonde girlfriend walk out of the bar.

"Thanks! You save me." He said in a very charming way, showing off he's beautiful teeth. Ava just stared at him, she looked like she was pissed but she was actually trying to analyze what just happen. Someone just stole her first kiss.

"And I'm sorry.." The brown eyed guy added, he was embarrassed Ava can tell. He was scratching his hair.

Ava took a while to respond.

"I should have slapped you earlier, right? After all that was my first kiss." Oh shit. I shouldn't have mention that. Ava was still trying to process everything, she did kiss him back without thinking.

He was shocked, he was not sure if he heard it right "You're what?" He looked guilty. Ava looked innocent but he doesn't know that she was pure.

"Um. That was my first kiss." She bit her lip as she looked down with embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know.. Shit! I'm really am sorry." Shit. Is that for real? I'm the lowest. Is she a minor but what is she doing here?

She could see that the brown eyed guy looks anxious.

"That's okay since I did kiss you back and played along" She was trying to make him feel less guilty.

And besides she feel guilty too by not slapping him, she knows that if she not into her mood today she might even kick his penis for stealing her first kiss. But she was a bit tipsy and she thought that it's better to gave it to a good looking guy.

Both of them are embarrassed.

Finally Ava broke the silence. "I have to go, bye." She walk as fast as she could to get out of the bar. he followed her. "I'll walk you home" he said, he was worried and concern. Ava agreed since it was pretty late and dark she doesn't want to bump into a drank guy. She gave him a warmth smile. Ava wasn't really interested to him, she felt weird for not drooling over the hot guy beside her. She might actually believe the accusations to her that she's a homo. It's been a while since she had been into a relationship.

The brown eyed man was analyzing her. Is she a minor? Nah. She's probably at her 20's, 22 perhaps? But she just had her first kiss? Then she's a v.... The brown eyed man quit that thought, he's a gentleman after all. He never played with someone heart. Though people describe him as a play boy, he actually never used someone until Ava. Girls actually uses him. They are perfectly aware that he doesn't want commitment, so even though they have boyfriends they go after him. He's heart has been broken and had never been get over that.

He just looked at Ava while walking, he adore her long dark brown straight hair. He never saw anyone who has a beautiful hair like her. The cold wind just blows into her beautiful hair. She's a natural. He thought. Ava is a natural beauty. Though she always felt ugly after suffering from a sever acne when she was in high school and mid college. It left her some scars but after her graduate she took care of her body. She live a healthy life style. - She's getting ready for her Christian Grey, one of her favorite male characters though she doesn't really loved the whole trilogy.

"It's here" Ava said, as she stopped in a old looking apartment. The brown eyed man, examine the apartment it looks shallow and old. He was even more worried seeing the outside of the apartment. He never live in that kind of place, he actually can't believe that there's a old apartment Massachusetts not to mention that it's quite near at Harvard. He insist in walking her in to see if the inside is great. The elevator is an old fashioned way. Her apartment is at the third floor so they decided to use the stairs. It look decent.


"Can I have a glass of water?" The brown eyed man said. He wants to check on her apartment. He was intrigue in what kind of person Ava was. And he knows that he can have a glimpse of her personality if he sees her home. He's not physically attracted to Ava, she was actually not his type. She's too innocent for him, she looks like a little sister for him and so he is for her - a brother.

Ava, doesn't really want to invite him in. She's worried that Geneva and the random guy is still having sex. But since it was quite a bit long walk it will be rude not to invite him in so she did.


"Umm. You might hear something so please don't be surprised." She was trying to give a warning to him. As she open the door both of them can hear the sex sounds Geneva and her random guy were doing.

Ava looked so embarrassed. She wanted to shut both of hers and his ears.

The browned eyed guy was pissed. "Sorry." Ava apologize for her roommate. "I thought they will be done when I got home" she added.

"is this always like this?" the guy asked.

"every saturday night. the walls are thin." Ava gave him a glass of water then soon invite him out.

"Thanks for walking me in and sorry about that." Ava said looking down and playing with her foot.

"Are you fine with that?"

"hell no. I am actually looking for knew apartment but I couldn't afford it. She offered me a cheap rent so I endure it."

"I stole your first kiss, so let me take responsibility"

Ava looked confused, her eyes narrowed.

"I mean let me help you find a new cheap apartment as a compensation for what I did. Sorry" He made it clear.

"By the way I'm Ivan Murray" He smiled as he offer his hand.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Ava Katherine Harris" She shake his hands in return.

Ava thinks it's a good idea and agreed to meet him tomorrow at lunch at the a coffee shop at Harvard square since he'll be meeting him after her class.

***

Ava was late at her 7:30 class, her professor got angry. She wasn't able to sleep well last night since Geneva and Ruben (the random guy) has been loud all night. She even have to turn the stereo on. She can't wait to meet Iva again, she can't wait to find a new apartment. They meet up at Algiers Coffee House.

"So what kind of apartment you are looking for?" Ivan asked her.

"Cheap" She giggled.

"I don't really have a huge budget, actually I can only pay less than half on a normal decent apartment. I'm still new here, I'm still adjusting with everything." She added.

"Where are you from? Which state?"

"Um. We moved from here to there, form another country to another. Though we stayed at Malaysia for about 10 years since my father died. I was born in San Diego"

"But I also lived at Thailand, Vietnam, Philippines. Basically we live at South East Asia, my parents business are all over there though since the recession last 2002 things gone badly for us plus the death of my father 7 years ago."

"Sorry" Ivan felt bad for her having to say that all to a guy who she just met. But Ava didn't really mind.

"And you? are you originally from here?" She asked.

"Well, I was born and raised in Seattle but soon after high school graduation we moved at NY, I attended Columbia University."

"Wow. So what do you do now?"

"I'm a model/photographer." He smiled the take a zip of his coffee.

"A model? Then why are you here? you're suppose to be in NY or in europe?"

"I'm kinda sort of taking a break. Though I fly every now and then because of it but I just want to live away from work and besides I'm thinking of taking a class at Harvard too." He chuckle.

***

She ended up at his apartment. It was raining and his apartment is just near by so they decided to just go there before going back to search.

He's apartment is quite big, it's has a cozy feeling which Ava like. She wonders if how much it cost him. For whatever reasons Ivan answered her question in her mind "about $3,000?"

Holy shit. I can enroll one course subject with that! Models do live in luxury, huh?

"damn expensive" she said looking more around the house.

"Yea. Do you wanna share with me?" He said jokingly.

She stared at him, her eyes widen. Ops. Wrong joke she's a conservative

Before Ivan can apologize Ava replied "Are you kidding? I can't afford even a $1000 of it! I just rented $300 to Geneva though I have to do all the cleaning."

Ivan was surprised, he thought that she'll feel awkward but what he said. He stared at her.

"What?" She asked. She hates it when someone is staring at her, it makes her feel uncomfortable.

"Um. nothing, it's just that I was worried that you'll be pissed by what i mentioned"

"What did you mentioned?" She's even more confused.

"Sharing an apartment?" He said.

Ava laughed. She laughed so hard. "I am liberated enough to share a apartment with a guy but conservative enough not to hooked up with them" She couldn't believe that a guy who lived all his life in the west would be more worried about that.

He was relieved but at the same time he was embarrassed. He was worried because he thought she was innocent but it shows that she's not as innocent as he thought she was.

It awkward for a moment then Ivan finally offered "Then are you okay sharing an apartment with me?"

Ava was surprised she's not sure if he's for real or not so she jokingly said 'Then are you okay with a a $400 rent?"

"Plus doing the cleaning?" He replied.

"Make it 300?" Ava looked at him in the eye, trying to see if he's serious or just playing around.

"350!" He crossed his arms.

"DEAL" Ava jumped in excitement she can't believe that she can rent it for just 15% of the rent.

"But are you sure it's okay with you? I'm mean I'm just going to pay you $350? It's even less $10 at my share at that quite cheap apartment?" Ava asked.

"Yea, since I'll be going here and there for work and I'm not paying this full price just half of it. My cousin own this - the entire building"

"Wow."

(Story 1)

She was secretly waiting for love. She was secretly getting ready for "the one". She doesn't believe in fairly tales but hopes for love. She hate's betrayal - cheating to be particular. She's ambitious yet stubborn. She have her own concept in everything. Ava Kathrine Harris, struggled to have a good education. She managed to go to college and graduate, she wants to take up her masters major in clinical psychology. She's not sure whether to choose clinical or neurology but since clinical is more convenient she chose that. Her big dream was to study to Harvard or Oxford but she knows that it's quite close to impossible, she managed to get in, but she enrolled in Harvard extension school. It's a good stepping stone, the her now have only 1% chance of getting in, she got poor track records, she was already failing when she realize what she wants. Her research thesis was not something to be proud of, plus the education that she get was limited. Limited in the sense of it's off standards - that's how she viewed her education. To her, what she learn in college was a mere introduction to psychology. She envied those who got money and managed to get on the school they want. That's why even though its expensive she tried her best to get in to that Harvard extension school. Though, if she can make it to the grad school she knows that will even cost a lot.

After she graduate, she worked for 2 years in her somewhat third world country. She made sure that she got to work with the renowned psychologist in the country. At that 2 years, she was getting ready - getting ready for "the one", she believed that while waiting for "the one" she must also be ready. Ready in a sense of having the full package when she meets him. She wants to be at her best when she meets him.

She managed to take up few subjects as preparation for her master at the best university in the country but soon drop out gambling everything and fly to the U.S.A. She wasn't thinking back then, it's so unlike her not to make a back up plan.

She asked for help from her relatives, her grandmother promised to help her by paying at least 3 course subject in the extension school, and another English courses. Since it's just a extension school she managed to have a jobs. Yes, jobs. She have 1 regular job and 2 part times. It sound impossible, but it is possible. Her first 3 months was hell. She's broke plus she have to endure her annoying roommate. It's a cheap apartment, that's all she can afford.

***

Ava was drinking at the bar down town. She doesn't usually drink since she's allergic in any alcoholic beverage. She's so pissed at her roommate Geneva that she forgot that she can't drink. Geneva is a blonde runaway, she's smart but has a personality problems. She's actually attending Boston University. She have sex with a random guy, particularly every Saturday night. Ava have to endure that sex noises at night and be surprised by the naked body of man who walks freely at sunday morning.

After 2 bottle of beer she decided to go home, but before she can even go home someone suddenly kissed her. It was so intense that she doesn't know what to do. She was thinking of slapping him, but there's something that's hot and burning her.

Is that the effect of the beer? She asked her self, wondering what kind of sensation she just felt. She can't breath, it was a long passionately kiss. As she open her eyes, she saw a beautiful brown eyed man, the man was about 6'0 tall, Ava looked like a kid with him, she's just 5'3.

"Hi babe, I were waiting for you" The brown eyed man said smiling at her. Ava was confused, she suddenly feel dizzy.

How can I be dizzy with just 2 beers? Damn.

For some reason Ava doesn't feel threaten with the brown eyed man, she's doesn't even slapped him.  At the back of the brown eyed man is a man that looks like a wrestler, probably about 6'2 on his side was her girlfriend. 

Ava know something is wrong so she choose to play along.

"Sorry, I'm late babe" She kissed him back. 

"Do you know them?" Ava asked the brown eyed man, she was pertaining to the guy who looked like a wrestler with a bitch blonde girlfriend. 

"Nah." He said as he slide his hand at her waist.

"Come on let go out of here, I'm feelin kinda hot" Ava said, she doesn't know what gotten into her but she was trying to act like how bitch flirt. She was doing that to helped that guy.

As they both go out, the blonde girl grab the brown eyed man arm. Ava got pissed, she hates insensitive person.

She growl at her "WHAT?"

The browned eyed man, got surprised as well as the blonde girl. The blonde is perfectly aware that Ava was just a cover up, so she got surprised with her reaction.

"Take her with you." She said to the wrestler man. "Hands off bitch" Ava said, the liquor was taking an effect. The wrestler took his girlfriend away, looking so angry.

(I'll continue tomorrow)

What will I write?

So basically, I created this blog to share the stories in my head that I couldn't write (well, I'm gonna try to type it down). I have 3 made up stories and I don't know which one to share? Should I share the current story in my head or the other previous one? Hmmm. Also, in writing stories I have to be very detailed in places, unfortunately I haven't been in that actual setting that I wish to include, so maybe I'll just made up that place too? Anyways. I start writing....


And yea, I am not sure what narration to use.