I guessed I want love

Just a quick break from all the story. Actually I've been thinking if I should continue blogging my crappy story. This past few weeks I've been lost in words. It seemed that I lack creativity or I had too much creativity. I am confused on what to write and what feelings to write. Right now I am obsessed to have my very own Christian Grey, Gideon Cross, Gabriel Emerson and all the other characters in an erotic dreamy novel. I am obsessed to have my own prince charming which I don't actually believe and want not until I read all those novels.

So I'm 19, and everyone around me has been bugging to have a boyfriend and they keep asking me if I'm dating one and some insist that I'm a homo since I am not expressive enough to share my love interest. The thing is I shut down myself from love 4 years ago. I was lost when I broke up with my first boyfriend. I isolated myself. I was lost and broke not because I we broke up, I was broken and lost because my self-esteem actually drops. I always felt ugly, I used to hate everything about me. My looks, my scent, my everything. I didn't really appreciate myself. And that was the main reason why we broke up, and nobody except me knows the reason - even my best friends doesn't know about that. That I was insecure that's why I broke up with him. That I feel ashamed of myself.

It was hard moving on when your self-esteem was the main reason you can't move forward. Everyone thought that I am still in love with him. That I still can't move on from him. The truth is I move on the first time he broke up with me. But then we get back together just to give it a one last time, for one month we dated again but I was not happy so I broke up with him. I broke up because I feel ashamed of myself. I always felt ugly and being with him makes me feel a lot worst. So I did shut down myself from everything. I pretend that I didn't care - I pretend not to care. I tried not to think about love, I shut down myself from imagining love, for 4 years I did that. I tried not to look for love nor to show interest on it. Maybe that's the reason why some of my college friends thinks that I'm a homosexual. I restrain myself from expressing my interest in guys - hot guys. I pretend not to drool when I see a hot guy, I acted normal in front of gorgeous man but deep inside I know I want to chat with them.

Over the past years I started to have the ideal vision of what is love or how love is supposed to be. I gain knowledge not by experience, I gain knowledge by books and well movies. And I think I become wise, a lot wiser than to those who actually been in different relationship. Most of my friends love life is not something that you can be envious of that's why I didn't really crave for love. That's why I choose to wait for love. I choose to wait for the right one, the one that I could give myself into.

To be honest I am afraid of myself. Afraid to be trap in my ideal world at the same time afraid to fall easily to the reality. I'm constant battle between what I really want and what reality can only give me. I create this dreamy world, a fairy tale world that I used to hate. I don't believe in fairy tales but after reading some novel full of love I realized what's missing in my life. I miss love, or rather I want to feel what love really is. My first boyfriend isn't my first love, I don't consider it love. It was an experimentation. I thought I was in love with him, though I must say I didn't regret dating him because I learn a lot from it.

I want to know what love is though I have my concept of what is love supposed to be, I still want to experience it. For me love is a wonderful feeling, it's a wonderful thing. Wonderful in the sense that it's right and can never go wrong. You could also say that "love means you never have to say sorry". For me love is not a sacrifice since it's a wonderful thing. In short love fro me makes you feel wonderful. I actually forgot my concrete concept since I didn't actually experience that. But I want to feel that, I want to prove my own concept of love. I want love, though I'm not sure if I'm ready for it now. I in the process of being ready. I want to find love when I am confident enough to face it, I want to have it when I got my self-esteem back. When I don't hide my face in my beautiful long hair anymore. But there's also a part of me longing for someone who can make me feel beautiful. Though, I still want to feel complete on my own.

I'm turning 20 soon and I feel quite old and slow. Everyone around me seems to be on the fast pace. Though, I choose to take everything slow. There's a part of me that is afraid that I'm being too slow.

Hmmm. Maybe, thinking, imagining things that is not happening yet, imagining the future you want can make you feel old and slow. I just realized that 3 seconds ago...

That's it for now. I know I should put this on my other blog the lostinthemeadow.blogspot.com since this blog is supposed to be for my make up story alone but since it's about love I choose to put it here.