Longing

Emptiness. I'm not really sure if I feel empty, I also don't think it's the appropriate thing to say. Let just say that I again I am missing something. It's been a while... If anyone asked about my love life, I'll answer them like "my love life is like a coke - zero". Yes, ZERO. I don't have a particular crush on someone, well I do have but do actors count? If you will asked me if I like someone in "real" life the answer is none. Since I am obeses with my idealist world, finding someone that I will like has become incredibly hard. Of course, from time to time I met some good looking guy but we all didn't stay contact. We barely become friends! Yes, I feel socially awkward that is because I don't have the confidence. But soon I know I will gain it... soon I will be back on my flirting mode. Oh, another struggle for me is my image. Everyone thought that I am this innocent girl who knows nothing about romance and who's like a total flat affect who doesn't feel any orgasm.

First of all I'm pure so I don't know how orgasm works, though I feel butterflies in the stomach if it does counts though. Second, I am not innocent I do some research of course and I do read erotic novels but I don't watch porn since it doesn't have any romance on it. And last but not the least, I can be a total bitch - I can flirt too. I had conflict with my friends before because they thought I was flirting with their crushes which is not true, I barely do anything! I know what I'm capable off, and I know that I can be a total slut if I want too, but I don't want to be one. I am conservative enough to preserve my spiritual beliefs. Actually that is also part of the idealistic side of me.

Anyways, I just want to experience love again. I want to know what love really is! And like what I said in my previous blog, I want to prove my own concept of love. I just hope that God can give me someone who falls into my criteria. Yes, I know it sound like a user but I don't know what appropriate word to use.

Oh. When will I find love? Hmm. I am thinking that maybe it's okay to be with the wrong ones so that I can be ready for "the one".

I wonder what the future awaits for me ~~~  love love love