AWKWARD.

It's awkward when people asks me if I have a boyfriend, if I'm seeing someone, and if someone is courting me. So this is how it always goes:

First, someone will asks me if I have a boyfriend and since I don't have one, of course I have answer "NO".
Then they'll asked me if I'm seeing someone and obviously "none" so I say "no".
Then they'll asked me if someone is courting me... AND THAT was AWKWARD, because NO ONE is actually courting me. It's quite embarrassing to admit it. First because it's like admitting that no one is interested on  me. Second, is that I feel so ugly so that made me think maybe that's the reason why no one is actually courting me.
Then after that some will suddenly asks "WHY?" and I was like.... Okay, how should I answer that? I mean, no one is courting me and that's it! How should I freakin know the reason? I don't even know why?! I know I become ugly. Most of my high school friends were even surprise when they saw me. I gained a lot of weight (though I am not yet obese - my BMI is still normal), and I have pimples (mostly are acne marks which sucks!). I wear huge glasses. Of course, they don't have the guts to actually say that I become so ugly, but most of the are like "Oh my gosh! What happened to you? I saw your sister and she's prettier!" and I was like "yea, I'm pretty stressed out with a lot of things." and blah bl;ah. Fucked off. I am not that stressed in school, I am stressed because I feel so ugly. But since, I am freakin aware about how ugly I become, and I pretty much accept that fact so I just go with flow and pretend that it didn't hurt.

but come to think of it... It's not like I'm the ugliest person in the world? I see girls who are not that pretty but still has a boyfriend or if not she has someone who's courting her. So I was thinking that maybe I am not that ugly. After all, every once in a while some dude will show their interest. But since I am so picky, I didn't count them - I didn't mind them at all. I know I shouldn't be so choosy since I am not "pretty" anymore, but still I can't get off with my standards! Well, I do have a high standards.

A while ago, I realized that I become to stiff. Like, I built this tough looking walls and everyone seems to be afraid to break that wall. They didn't realize that behind that wall was the "vulnerable" me - that it was actually not that tough at it seems. Like, everyone was seems to be afraid of me. I feel like they're all thinking that I'm this snobbish geek chick. Okay, I am snob but not to that the point where I ignore everyone. I may appear to be quite timid at first (since I'm an introvert) but once you get to know me and I feel comfortable with you... I am this fun chick.

When I was in high school, I have a lot of guy friends but when I got to college my "MALE" friends actually drops to zero. Most of my friends, are females and gays. Suddenly, I don't know how to talk to dudes. I used to be one of the boys, then suddenly I become out of reach. Like, I don't even know how to approach my male friends in high school. I feel so awkward! Maybe because I don't feel comfortable with myself?


I just wished that those guys who showed interest on me, didn't give up that easily. They should have tried harder. I mean, I am an inch close in actually being comfortable with them and then they suddenly give up! So it always feel like its a waste. I wished they have this guts to actually go for it. But anyways, maybe they don't deserve me and they I don't deserve them? I just wish that someday, some dude will actually make an effort to break in to that wall